Some days, I sit back and wonder how I try so hard to walk upright before God and man, and still find myself in this place?
It’s exhausting.
Not just physically.
But spiritually.
Emotionally.
Mentally. BUT I WILL NOT QUIT.
As a believer, I carry a responsibility to honor God’s commandments, especially the ones that call me to love.
“Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.” The second is: “Love others as well as you love yourself.” There is no other commandment that ranks with these.” Mark 12:30-31 (MSG)
But no one teaches you how hard it is to love rightly when the one you once called your protector, provider, and priest becomes the very weapon formed against you.
ABUSE IS REAL.
And even when you leave the marriage, the abuse often doesn’t leave you. It morphs…It evolves…
Following God’s Word, I tried to handle everything “decently and in order.” When things went wrong, I first turned to the elders, the mothers, and even the pastor who married us.
No one returned my calls or if they did it was a harsh rebuke for me because they said what did I do wrong and I was just trying to embarrass him. No one answered my cries for help.
I was forced to go to the courts, the “ungodly judges” 1 Corinthians 6 speaks of, not because I lost faith, but because I had no other choice. That was the first active step toward my freedom. But the pain? It still echoes.
Recently, I had a trigger. A deep, traumatic flashback. I couldn’t reach my kids. My divorce decree gives me final say and, more importantly must know where they are at all times, and if either moves, we have to tell the other. The Holy Spirit showed me the change, I called and texted, and when he finally answered, he still didn’t tell me(sidebar: I have screenshots listen if you are experiencing difficult timeplease record and take screenshots in Ga you only need one party to consent in being recorded and you are that party because one day you will need it)
I found out, through my children’s voices, not their father’s, that he had moved, taken them to a new address, without telling me.
Panic set in.
Tears flooded.
Memories from January 29, 2024, resurfaced, the night he took my boys along with his” person” and left me and our daughter standing in a house full of boxes, with nowhere to go. It reminded me of when I was 11 and my mom kidnapped me briefly, and the cops found us. It felt like death all over again; all I could think of was when he decided to abandon us, and his enabler got him a townhome for him and his “person.” No one at the church was allowed to tell me where he lived. They all knew and visited “their home.” After a while, he came to get the kids on the weekend. Months of not knowing where my kids were going, and I still didn’t miss church, still was the loudest encourager standing by the pulpit as he preached God’s word that he wasn’t standing on.
I had called desperately.
I cried out to the elders.
I cried out to the mothers.
I sat in terror, remembering how the men of the church had once even given him a gun, thinking he needed protection.
My children were gone.
And I had no idea where they were.
Can you imagine your daughter asking where her brothers are, while you force yourself not to fall apart?
He returned the next day, acting as if nothing was wrong.
The boys, too young to understand trauma, simply accepted it.
And the enablers, those once called “family,” kept his secrets well.
Even now, they sit in fellowship in the same church that helped rip apart our family.

When Is Enough, Enough?
Abuse doesn’t end with a divorce decree.
It morphs.
It evolves.
It finds new ways to try to destroy your peace.

Today, if I mention following the court orders, I’m a “monster.”
If I request child support, medical help, or basic needs for my kids, I’m made to feel like a villain.
All because he says he needs to “live his life.” Which is beyond my understanding, if he can host conferences and fly in artists and preachers. Go from a one-bedroom apartment to a three-bedroom house. Go from having a Benz, Malibu, and now an SUV. Taking the kids on trips out of state. Seems to me he is living pretty well! Often reminding me he is God’s child and God is taking care of him.

But what about the life I’m trying to rebuild with broken pieces?
What about the safety of the babies he claims to love?
It feels like torment to hear him say that, as if my life is a vapor that God spits out of His mouth.
This is continued abuse.
Manipulation masked as “moving on.”
Control disguised as “co-parenting.”
It’s trauma wrapped up in spiritual language.
And every interaction feels like another trigger.
Another mountain to climb.
I haven’t even gone back to the courts for all these violations and further emotional distress.
Truthfully, I don’t even know what to do anymore.
I try to pray before I react.
I try to trust God to fight for me.
But I’m human.
I’m tired.
And I’m asking:
How do you know when it’s time to fight differently?
How do you know when enough is enough, even when you’re trying so hard to handle things the right way?

If you’ve ever been here, if you’ve walked this road, if you’ve battled the silence and the shame
I welcome your wisdom, your prayers, and your encouragement.
Because even strong women get weary sometimes.

“When you have something against another Christian, why do you file a lawsuit and ask a secular judge to decide the matter, instead of taking it to other Christians to decide?” 1 Corinthians 6:1 (MSG)
I tried.
I truly did.
But when the church turned its back, God opened another way.
A way through the very courts I was taught to avoid.
A way toward freedom. How do I know when to fight differently, because all I do is try to pray it away?

Let Us Pray.
Today I lift up every broken, weary heart still fighting to do what is right.
I pray for the parents navigating a world that looks nothing like the promises they once clung to.
Lord, strengthen their resolve.
Wrap them in Your presence.
Let them know they are not monsters for protecting themselves and their children.
Fill their hearts with boldness, healing, and supernatural peace.

You are their Defender, their Avenger, their Shelter.
You are the God who sees—and You are never late to rescue.
We trust You to deliver us fully.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

💜 If you are walking through this journey, remember: Freedom is your portion. Peace is your promise. Healing is your destiny. Stay connected. Stay covered. Stay courageous.

📖 Blog: Strength of a Woman Blog
🎥 YouTube: @iAmAdonaka
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We are growing, healing, and becoming stronger together. 💜

If you have advice, prayers, or encouragement for me or for another woman walking through this, please share. Your words could be the lifeline someone needs today. 💌